Unnamed

My name is Courtney Hawkins. I come from a little city in a big state in a big country in a big world. I have ten fingers and ten toes. I don't have a hobby, I barely have a social life, and I am a junior in high school. I am sixteen.

As soon as I wake up every morning I feel the urge to roll over again and forget everything that has happened in my life thus far, not that a ton of it has been too difficult. I constantly wish I could change a lot of aspects in my life. Not always for the better, either. Up until recently I was the happiest I have been in my life, thus far. I tripped and stumbled and lost it in a matter of hours. Each new thing I regret doing just hides and hangs on my back, each one building up until I fall and I have to have someone pick me back up again. Usually, I can bounce back very optimisticly, but I have no urge to be happy anymore. I hide in my room, more than ever, crying. It doesn't make me feel too much better... I just can't hold it back. I hurt all over, my heart, my head, my stomach, my whole body. I haven't been eating right and I know I should, just too many things remind me of memories and I can't force myself to look at them, the happiest memories of my life are now my saddest, I have lost myself to such a great extent I feel like I hate myself for being so pathetic.

I loved a boy named Austin Gabel. He treated me so well and so kindly, I never felt like I deserved any of it which he insisted I did. He was the best of the best to me. I never felt anything more comforting or happy as I did when we were together, I jumped in and took a chance and it led me somewhere so amazing I never thought I could deserve someone so grand, and I always told myself that, for in ways, it was true. Both Austin and I were quite alike in a lot of aspects, and I expected too much out of boys and he seemed to fit every inch of my cookie cutter. I gave him everything I had. He gave me everything he had. We fit nicely and I was very much in love with him, in every aspect, I never hated anything about him, never once did we "fight", never once did I question trust, never once did we expect something like this to tear us apart, something my fault, and if you know me, you know I worry like a motherfucker, I never stop. I am losing it.

Austin and I did shrooms on a houseboat trip we took with a few familes, the day after my birthday. I loved them. So much. Never in my life have I felt so inspired to write or doodle or just plan sing. I was even more estatic to do them in the safety and comfort of my boyfriend, and I felt no regrets and still do not. On arriving home that sunday after the friday we had done them, upon IMing my best friend about them, my brother came by and read my IMs. Upon reading this, he told my parents. My parents continued to play it off as if they knew, playing with my mind to get me to confess, meanwhile unknowing of Connor's tattletale, but since unknowing I felt they in fact did know somehow, and I didn't know what to do. Lie? Be in more trouble if they did know in fact the truth? Or tell the truth and hope it mends a bit? I picked the second out of both panic and hopefullness, but to my dismay it did not lead me anywhere except on a car ride over to my boyfriends to tell both his and my parents at the same time what we did. I couldn't contain my tears, I reconized Austin's body language as angry, I felt so completely in shock all I could do was sit there and try to recollect what had actually happened, and on my time to say goodbye to that boy I loved, barely a hug recieved, and no kiss back, and there is where I broke.

There is not a day where I dont regret telling my parents the truth, and I have learned the hard way in that. I have lost something so meaningful to me it makes me sick, to think, hell, he can hook up with whoever he wants now. I have barely any contact with him, I can barely contain myself at the thought of him with someone else. It burned a huge hole in me, that Sunday, and I am trying to pick myself back up and fix the broken pieces, because all I want is one more chance to fix everything and I can't, honestly, I hope he is willing to do whatever it takes, because I know I am.

I'd do anything to take back that one moment where so many things changed.